The Truth About Postpartum

I chant alone

walking through meadows

hiking wooded trails

My baby

strapped to my back

her head bobbing gently

to the rhythm of my steps

But I imagine

harmonizing with other mothers

in a line in front and back of me

Their babies strapped to their backs

heads bobbing

to the rhythm of their steps

Alone,

I am not

“I am strong.”

“I am brave.”

“I am not alone.”

“I am here.”

Over the past year, I have been humbled by postpartum. Thinking I could handle this time as easily as I did pregnancy, I was sorely mistaken.

Beyond the unbelievably engorged breasts, a rearranged vagina, severe sleep deprivation, overwhelming love, and stricken fear, I have found myself in a mental disarray I never thought possible for me.

I have always been incredibly social with a hunger for deep connection with others, but since the birth of Luna, I have found comfort only in the solitude of the wooded trails by my home. I have found myself depleted after short visits with others. I have found myself picking up my phone only to set it back on the counter.

As spring approaches, so does my ability to shake the thick coastal fog I have found myself in; this shift showing me how far away I have been. As I reflect on my mental state, I do not mean to talk down to where I have been, or paint an ugly picture. I respect the place I have wandered to. I understand it has been where I’ve needed to be. It has not been wrong or bad. It has showed me so much. It has allowed me to scale back, slow down, pause, walk away, simplify, be with, understand…

I believe each mama will walk her own path during her postpartum days, each one of us relating, yet wearing it a little differently.

Regardless of our personal experience, I believe a common thread of surviving is finding ways to fill ourselves. Maybe it’s taking a walk through the woods, like me, or going to a play group, not like me. Perhaps it’s letting a loved one take the baby for an hour, drawing a candle-lit bath, ordering takeout, picking up the journal again, standing outside with your feet on the earth, breathing underneath the stars, or going to bed early.

Whatever it is, taking the time, even for just a moment, is critical, which is why my newest meditation is designated to the days of postpartum. Whether you’ve just entered it or are a year out like me, take a moment to reconnect with yourself. Click here to listen.

P.S. You’re not alone.